It's not all that simple (until it is)
by kurojiri
Summary: Not knowing when you are in love is a strange lonely kind of feeling. (Modern/ Muggle AU)


**Word C** **ount: 1,878**

 _"Finally, in a low whisper, he said, 'I think I might be a terrible person.' For a split second I believed him - I thought he was about to confess a crime, maybe a murder. Then I realized that we all think we might be terrible people. But we only reveal this before asking someone to love us. It is a kind of undressing."—Miranda July, The First Bad Man_

* * *

The columns were arranged perfectly. Straight with hushed colors and details that were polished. Even with the many years his school lived through the architecture was still holding on beautifully. That had been a plus when he wandered around, the beauty of the school had made his busy mind feel less clouded. With each structure blending with time and nature it made the whole place seem like magic was possible.

Which had only made Tom sigh internally. (Small wishes were always abundant in his sighs.) The setting was pretty but, somehow Tom wasn't happy. Not quite horrible but there almost seemed like a piece was missing no matter how much he looked and reflected back he couldn't find the answer.

That had been a rare moment.

Not knowing what he wanted and not knowing where to look. Tom had always been an independent lad. Finding his own path to follow and having a respectable collection of people to have as a reference.

Sixteen years of wandering and pursuing his studies had made him aware that simple pleasures were not the solution he needed. His peers could sustain them, but Tom would not allow them to cloud his own clarity. (Which was why Tom had very few people to call as acquaintances.)

The mundane world had few treasures within his sight and youth. One of those being a professor or researcher for a study he had enjoyed since he started his sixth form. The quietness a library had been his niche, just as his time he spent when he taught a group of people. These hours were—had always been, Tom's preference. Until, he met Luna Lovegood. That had been the tipping that made Tom freeze.

She made his life become precarious; with her smile and odd small talks. Tom had once thought he had everything categorized but, she somehow didn't fit in those boxes he made and labeled. Luna was odd, but she was also very smart and creative. Not unsociable, because she was friendly with people and animals. Her beauty was subtle like winter flowers that bloomed despite the harsh conditions. A tranquility of sorts was a part of her too when she scoped his emotions and rearranged them to gleam under her own praises.

In the beginning Tom had hated how carefree she seemed. Just a year younger than him, and it almost seemed like she was just roaming in the clouds and stars she stitched into her clothes and accessories. Oh, he did like listening to her voice, but it had irritated him that she spoke in random blurs of metaphors. Ones that made him almost want to suffocate after long hours of coffee and unruly simpletons that always loved to ruin his days. They were two people that didn't ever really got along because, Tom was that kind of person. The one that was wary of anyone that wanted to get to know him. Paranoid and mistrustful. While Luna was too open and forgiving.

Too pure.

Since the few years he'd seen her three times out of four Tom tried to ignore her. (Honest to god did he try. But a halo was wrapped above her. Making him always looking and failing at the same time.)

The air would always become thinner. His eyes would always end up being around her corners, while Luna, she would skip and skip with a gentle smile decorating her lips. Her airy voice would echo in his dreams (though he wouldn't admit it just yet). He had become lost. Of where to seek help or if he wanted to be cured.

Before he had thought he was fine with his life.

Trial and error had been his type of influence when it had concerned his affairs. However, Luna was the type that made it harder to find conclusive proof that he needed or wanted. She brought colors he never encountered, sensations he only read from books and vague wishes that almost seemed to have heaved into physical manifestations of desires he thought he would never want. It had corrupted him. Left in pieces and trying his best to pretend he wasn't in distress.

She didn't know how powerful she really was. And if she did, then maybe that had been the reason why she always skipped her merrily way when she spotted him. That would make sense; having her twirl and smile at his misfortune.

Just like when he had been minding his own business when she flopped down next him. Her book bag had slumped down from one of her shoulders while he had clutched his book to met her glaze. As she smiled at him she didn't hide how much she enjoyed their conversations.

Or that she wanted to reassure him. "I think you're innocent."

Her words were slow and steady, filled with emotions he couldn't name right away. Innocent of what? To exist? To feel so lost but sure of himself at the same time?

Her dreamy eyes were memorizing, the same could be said with her light blonde hair was arranged in small braids and a flower crown. She looked like a fairy with her loose clothing. He couldn't stop himself from replying without really thinking.

"We're all guilty of something."

Her smile didn't leave her lips. She leaned in making him more aware of the silver pools—so bright and full of life.

"But not so much that you should hoard yourself like you do Tom." Her flower crown was just as bright as her tone when her hands placed it above his head. "It's okay to feel."

The words swirled from his ears to his mind and then, lastly to his heart. They didn't say anything for the rest of their break. After all, she had opened pandora for him when she had caught his heart with her kindness. Epiphanies like that were world shattering, hence why he had been grateful when she gave him some space. With him holding on to his book while her humming filled his background.

When the answer came, Tom had been in the middle of tutoring. The campus had been lighter since fall break opened up his hours. Few people still cared about their grades, and Tom had been peeved of the few understandings he had with life in general. Autumn had been the usual season when he felt like the universe was conserving its energy, watching and waiting for a person like Tom to screw up. The holidays were coming and the days had come at a price with the year almost ending. The person who he had been helping had done nothing wrong, quite the opposite, they had been improving since Tom started helping them.

Their mannerisms were just too odd and familiar. With their happy smiles and cheerful attitude. When he had looked at them with their light blonde hair and equally aristocratic features he remembered why they disturbed him. They reminded him of Luna. They shared few physical traits, but they weren't her. He never said anything, but he could only assume that they figured out what panicked him when they chuckled at his discomfort when he looked at their silver (but not as rich and bright as Luna's) eyes.

He had been smitten with Luna Lovegood. (Since when, he had no idea.) It hadn't been like the books or movies, but the emotions that had been triggered had still haunted him. The vividness of her had stroked him to the core. Love had become a weapon he had not been aware existed in his life. And with that Tom had almost collapsed.

Out of breath and out of ideas to unlove a person.

Because if he really thought about it, love was a lovely thing. Scary, but fragile. A concept that had no rights to include him because he had already been burned by his non-existent parents. Luna would not be any different. She would get bored. Or become the very type of monster he feared: being the one that looked so fragile but being capable of destroying him with a simple chaste kiss.

He had always been careful, and that had been why Luna scared him. She had intrigued him; made him feel as if interacting with others was not a bad thing. To make life almost seem harmless and worth all the troubles he knew came with socialization.

He did not want to accommodate a weakness that would soon fester and suck his soul dry. But Luna, she had been so different and genuine with every talk they shared. A ballad really, with her choice of words and his own musings. They had made him fumble, had caught him wishing for a chance he did not know what to do with. Only that it would mean that Tom would be happy and Luna would be at his side.

The session eventually ended and Tom had wandered around again. With a busy mind he sat down on a random corridor where the sunlight was still fresh and bright from a fading sun. It almost felt poetic watching the sunset while the stars burned brighter and the moon had bared its face at his. Nothing would be simple, until you allowed for it. His own feelings were still so jarring when he would taste them from his own tongue when he quietly said it to himself.

Why? Why had he falling in love? And how could he cure himself?

"You can't." He answered himself.

And before he could wrap it up she appeared, once again, being so cheerful and relaxed. She had a small note pad and pen when she looked at his stiff posture.

"You can't what?"

A sad smile formed when he didn't answer right away.

Luna, being that kind of person, hummed in response to his silence. She didn't hover; it was more like she roamed in the same space as him but without crowding him. He didn't push her away even though she was the cause of his distress; he had a weakness for her relaxed nature. She calmed when he couldn't himself. Weeks ago, he would have been mortified. But now, in that moment he had understood. Why love had been praised as it had been loathed. How Tom and Luna worked just fine when they had different outlooks in life.

Love was as simple as it wasn't. It all depended on the person and what they wanted to achieve.

"Luna—"

"It's okay. I understand." Her eyes widen a little. "The wrackspurts had been too active this year. It's no wonder why it took so long for you to see what you wanted."

She took a step forward. "I hope that whatever you were trying to figure out you did find."

Tom picked himself up and with a faint smile he looked directly at her. "Yes. I suppose I did."

Naturally, the next thing Tom wanted to figure out was how to tell Luna what he wanted. And if, she wanted the same thing. But for now, he would enjoy the feeling of finally knowing what had been missing in his life. While, at the same time soaking in the time Luna gave him with her giggles and odd metaphors she loved using.

It would turn out fine.


End file.
